A Candystore Metaphor

I want to wrap myself in a blanket, not for warmth but for shelter. A protection from the outside and all of it’s sinister voices whispering, “You can’t.” I want to let the downy softness cradle away the fear and the sadness. To let a pleasant consolation sweep over me in a joyous wave of nostalgia.
I would give anything right now for some kind of comfort that resembled that, the comfort that carried no traces of confusion. That I knew, and they knew. That it was something mutual. I wish there was no frustration and wishing, that things just became not happened. I wish that there weren’t so many choices because I was always the little kid in the candy store last to choose. There were too many options.
When I looked at all the brightly color filled jars I had a hard time seeing myself eating any of them. It was always the idea of having them all that intrigued me. But never did I get the one I wanted because I always wanted more adventure. Maybe I’m picking and choosing my life that way. Picking through the options I know I would love in search of something more. As it concludes, by the end of our years we are aged and hopefully all the wiser. But do we ever really find that peace? Or is it something strange that makes us want to reach out for more?
In the expanse of all my synapses, memory cords, and array of lobes, I can’t explain why I always want something more. Being content is something I find difficult and really, finding the time is what makes me begrudgingly sit and write about making choices.
Maybe it’s a childish thing, and I have yet to grow up. It’s conceivable that my brain is not fully developed and I shall have to wait till the right time comes. Till then, all I know as truth from my accumulated experience is this.
“When things become hard, I begin to question. Not because I want to know why it’s happening, but because I want to know what I should change. So forever I switch back and forth between ultimatums taking the harshness and backlash from both.”
There are so many things we want, and I refer to “we” because I know I am not alone. So, when we are forced to sit in an empty room, in the dark, eyes scanning nothing and our mind imagining everything… we’re left to ask a simple question… What do I want?
I know this logic has all been based around the idea of wanting, but we as individuals let our wants drive our feet that later take the steps towards our goals. Whether they be big, small, or just plain stupid, borderline on mediocrity… we get somewhere, simply because of wanting.
Now, I’m writing this because I want something more. Whatever that may be. I assure you that I have never heard the right answer so I continue to search, so maybe that is my blessing and curse. I just pray that my guardian angel watch over me well as I sleep because even in my dreams I search.
Maybe I’ll live the rest of my life searching, and maybe when I come to the end, I’ll look up and say “I found it”. But, whatever “it” is I have yet to be introduced by the twisted sister Fate and I have no engagements in the near future with her. Unless she plans to grace me with  her presence unannounced.
Please Fate, Destiny, show me a little glimpse of what you’ve seen. Because a lifetime of adventure is a dream, but a moment of solace is bliss.

Learning to breathe.

Learning to Breathe.

“You’ll laugh when there is something funny… you will love when you find something worth loving.”
When you sit down at the threshold of the place where you find peace, or had, and realize that you’ve fallen away from yourself… You have to sit back and understand the past. It’s a hairy, sticky, heart hurting mess, but it has to be sorted. Just as your room has to be cleaned, and you have to keep going on. Even if you don’t want to.
I’ll admit, I’ll cover one thing with another. And another… and another. I’ll let it build till I have this perfectly built up illusion of a castle… that’s really crumbling down as I stare. I’ll hold on to the past for as long as I can, with both of my hands white knuckled… gripping for it all to come back. I’ve held my breath for so long, waiting for things for things to change back. And in the mean time.. I forgot how to breathe. Essentially, I forgot how to live.
What a strange thing it is, to feel my heart beat again. What a strange pain it has become, knowing that the dull throb in my chest is there to stay. With every time I open my mouth, I hear my own voice, the one that was weak and broken. I’m not asking for understanding, Really… I’m not asking for anything. I just want to say it, I want to say out loud that I have been coward. I have been weak, and I have felt small.
I have become a con artist, and a master at bolting for the door when I feel my castle crumbling down. So here I am… down to where the foundation should be and I see the same little girl I started with. I see her crying in her room and begging for the world to be over. Begging for an answer to come. Three years later, My answer has come… and it’s feeling again. In my past I have been hurt, and I never understood why. It’s a little hazy… but I think I get it now.
Because someday, someone is going to love me for me. The silly, the crazy, the bad. The ugly. I won’t have to fight for my opinion to be heard, I won’t have to wear a different face everyday. I will wake up in the morning have a strong armed barricade holding me tight and fighting out the worlds little voices and ideas. Nothing will matter, because I will be able to be me and no one will care. Because I surely won’t.
I look down at my hands now, watching my fingers slide across the keys, and I wish nothing more to describe the swelling warmth inside of my chest and back. I wish to tell you that there is some sort of seed of passion deep inside of me… and it’s the foundation that I need.
It’s a funny place, to think that we live in, that has set me up for this moment. This very instance where I have been given the chance to see, and feel, and have partial understanding.
I accept the hurt that has happened, I accept the pain that was ignored, I forgive all those that decided I wasn’t good enough. All of those people that took one look at me and let me fall under the rug never to be seen again. For all of you that gave me not a second thought… I hope you understand what you have done. Because the hurt that was caused is something I have dealt with for a long time. I forgive you though, because if you were in that same place that I was… then you don’t seen anything. You’re ignorant to the world, to yourself, and to your family. And there’s a lot your missing, and I feel sorry for you.
Because, even with knowing something like you do, something that was brought to you… if you still refuse to change, there is no point in being. I know my words will have an impact, on someone, maybe no one. But I want you to know, that these are my words, and I’ve fought for too long to let them be silenced. I will no longer write the story that you want, because we want different things.
I will not turn into someone else that you want me to be, because you’re just projecting your ideas on my beautiful image. Yes, I am confident in the fact that I am beautiful human being with a heart of gold and no intentions of ever hurting a single soul. If I could, I would stop and help everyone if that’s what they were seeking. I will not force my help upon people, so if you ask, I will answer. In any way I can… I will come. Once you have my heart, you will always all of me. And that’s what people don’t understand.
I will never be that girl, that’s okay with pretending. That’s okay with trying to understand something I will never agree with. I will never be that stereotypical girl with the same stereotypical thoughts you think have. You don’t know me, and unless you take the time to know me… all you’re doing in idealizing me is judging yourself. I will love you as a human whoever you are, and that will be our common ground. But I will only let you see me, and understand me if there is trust there. If there is no judging, if there is the same understanding in your eyes as mine as I look into yours.
I have no intentions of pleasing everyone. Ever. All I wish to do is speak my truth, and share my love with the world to help those beyond the reach of others. I am an extension of the hand that was suppose to reach you. I will read your intentions, I will search heart in a single moment… and if you need me, I will be there.
Someday, I hope that will be extended to me, hopefully, I’ll meet my other half. The same person who will not judge me, who will know me, who will never jump to conclusions, and above all else… never scare me or make my soul feel threatened. I have a fragile heart and soul, as much as I like to be strong, I am weak and I rely on those stronger than me for support.My legs give out constantly and I fall to the ground repeatedly… arms and knees bloody from pushing myself back up again. I have learned to stand up when I am pushed down. I have been given trials beyond your wildest dreams. Someday… someone will hold me up and my wounds will hear, I will have thick scars where I once had open flesh.
The best part? I won’t have to keep looking for you… because you’ll find me. You’ll hear my off-beating heart and rescue me from all the war and fighting. I will have my hero, my champion, my knight ragged armor… because who wants a prince that never went into battle? Who wants someone that let their fighting be done for them? I will know you by your heart, and you will hold mine tenderly in your palms. I will let you sew my heart back up on my sleeve where it belongs, and we will carry on that way.
Someday we’ll be together. Someday all the hurting will be worth it, and someday… I will show you battle scars and say, ” I had the strength to keep stumbling on… because I knew you would be there at the end to help me. I love you, and I will forever and always. Till the day I take my last breath… I will breathe for you.”
I write