I would give anything right now for some kind of comfort that resembled that, the comfort that carried no traces of confusion. That I knew, and they knew. That it was something mutual. I wish there was no frustration and wishing, that things just became not happened. I wish that there weren’t so many choices because I was always the little kid in the candy store last to choose. There were too many options.
When I looked at all the brightly color filled jars I had a hard time seeing myself eating any of them. It was always the idea of having them all that intrigued me. But never did I get the one I wanted because I always wanted more adventure. Maybe I’m picking and choosing my life that way. Picking through the options I know I would love in search of something more. As it concludes, by the end of our years we are aged and hopefully all the wiser. But do we ever really find that peace? Or is it something strange that makes us want to reach out for more?
In the expanse of all my synapses, memory cords, and array of lobes, I can’t explain why I always want something more. Being content is something I find difficult and really, finding the time is what makes me begrudgingly sit and write about making choices.
Maybe it’s a childish thing, and I have yet to grow up. It’s conceivable that my brain is not fully developed and I shall have to wait till the right time comes. Till then, all I know as truth from my accumulated experience is this.
“When things become hard, I begin to question. Not because I want to know why it’s happening, but because I want to know what I should change. So forever I switch back and forth between ultimatums taking the harshness and backlash from both.”
There are so many things we want, and I refer to “we” because I know I am not alone. So, when we are forced to sit in an empty room, in the dark, eyes scanning nothing and our mind imagining everything… we’re left to ask a simple question… What do I want?
I know this logic has all been based around the idea of wanting, but we as individuals let our wants drive our feet that later take the steps towards our goals. Whether they be big, small, or just plain stupid, borderline on mediocrity… we get somewhere, simply because of wanting.
Now, I’m writing this because I want something more. Whatever that may be. I assure you that I have never heard the right answer so I continue to search, so maybe that is my blessing and curse. I just pray that my guardian angel watch over me well as I sleep because even in my dreams I search.
Maybe I’ll live the rest of my life searching, and maybe when I come to the end, I’ll look up and say “I found it”. But, whatever “it” is I have yet to be introduced by the twisted sister Fate and I have no engagements in the near future with her. Unless she plans to grace me with her presence unannounced.
Please Fate, Destiny, show me a little glimpse of what you’ve seen. Because a lifetime of adventure is a dream, but a moment of solace is bliss.
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