One Kiss

What do you do when you're scared?
Terrified.
Horrified
Worried Sick.
It's easy to talk about yourself, to tell people... but it's another to show them.
I can tell you about the hurt that I've been through, I can smile and wave to the past and have no cares in my life. I can do a lot of things. But I can't hide this.
I can't hide this irrational fear, that somewhere underneath this surface, there's more that I won't ever understand. And then it will fall apart again.
Through my eyes, I've seen the colors of blurring skin, I've seen the black of night against darker water, I've seen the smiles and the fading grins, the hidden smirks, the hurt behind light eyes. I've seen the person in the mirror when I step in front of it.
There's something there, behind all of the happenings and hurt, that I can't shake.
There's this uneasy feeling, uneasy, scared little girl looking at the world through hurt eyes. Is it wrong to not want to keep up this constant fight?
All I want... All I want is a place of safety, sanctity, a home.
The lies hurt me everytime, I'll wear the mask to this masquerade that we call life.
I've come to this moment... where my dreams at night, that seem so real... I feel like they are. All the times I've seen those that I love, at night, during the day, the back and forth is killing me, this deja vu is breaking me. If there was any better breaking point as any this is it.
God, if you're there, here's my hand and I need you to help me get up from this place. I need someplace to go and take refuge. I need to be me, but I need to be a me that I love.
I need to find this place that I can be happy.
It doesn't come down to how I look
who I'm with
My friends
My faith
it comes down to something more... something that I need. what the hell is it?
Why do I have to be with people that treat me like I am nothing?
When it all comes down to it... if you expect to lose someone... expect to give up on them. Don't leave things the way that has happened to me everytime.
Every. single. Time.
There's always someone else, and each time I fall they leave me there to be kicked in the throat, I'll gasp on the little air that I have if that's all I have left. Just please, could I have an answer to any of my questions?
Why did he treat me like that God? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently and why do I have to keep getting hurt over and oever again. It's not a clean break each time, it's "I'm down, they kick, I'm down they kick some more."
All that is left of me is a black and broken bruised shell of a body, confused out of my mind, stumbling and trembling to stand up again. My lungs have collapsed, my fingers bloody from trying to drag myself along broken glass.
There's a reason that I'm a female I think... because I couldn't handle taking care of everything. I couldn't deal with being incharge of an entire family. What I need most, is someone to lead me to guide to be by my side ready to catch me when I fall. When I fall... I do'nt need more beatings, I need a hand to help me up.
The things I have seen, as different people stand over me looking at me with the same look I look past the eyes and see the soul underneath. The intentions.
If you can say "love" one moment and let it die on your lips not even a day later. I don't think I will ever know love.
How could someone like me deserve someone as special as that? I don't. I don't know. I don't undesrstand.
I'll never get that partner, I'll never get that companion, that love, because I don't know if there will ever be someone.  Someone equally yoked to me. Someone that knows and understands and can talk to me about the things that matter, to take me away from this awful place that we call "home". World is not home it's a prison meant to trap our souls. Meant to leave us broken and bleeding. It's not a cycle of life, it's a sprint to escape. We aren't like anyone else yet we end up in catagories such as others. I want to be unique, special, different. I want to be alive, not this half understood, used up crap. I can't handle much more. I need more.
It's a fear. These are the fears I have, they bring me to my knees in the dead of night, they punch my in the stomach with iron fists and kick me with steel-tipped boots. Bleeding out.
Ugh. One kiss was all it took to bring up a swell of thoughts I've been holding back for a long time. What does that mean?