Out the window.

It's amazing how big college campuses are... even for little ol' Boise Idaho. Walking along the paved sidewalks and watching the trees and ivy wind around the old bricks just does something to my soul. Being here is like being home, in a weird way. Seeing the students walk to class with intent gazes on the path ahead makes my heart squeeze with anticipation.
Walking among them taunts me.

Being with my friends laughing at dinner makes me think about the future and what it holds... because in so little time so much can change. One minute, you're laughing over mini cheesecakes and trying to force that last bite of lasagna down.... next... you're looking out the window at the wrong time.

There are those nights you spend staring at the ceiling wondering, "Why me?" What did I do to feel like this? Bitter, hateful, angry comments are on the back burner as you stare with half opened eyes nowhere, but seeing everything. All the moments, all the pain, all of the beauty mixed in with the bad.

Waking up early seemed like a good idea after a night like that, for the life of me I just couldn't sleep. So Breakfast would always be the solution in a situation as such. Walking back I peer over my shoulder, look ahead of me and scan the sides fearing I'll see you're face. Or you. I'm not sure why either.

Like I should be worrying about that right? Like I should care about someone that treated me like everyone else before him. Even if it doesn't seem that, people never know the full story and they always seem to leave before they can hear it.

Whether it be luck, fate, chance, destiny, God, or something else. I opened the damn window this morning. I was confident when I peeled back the pink curtain I wouldn't see anyone there, that I could watch the college students stroll by going from class to class and be able to enjoy the sun on my face after a long dark night.
....
Why did I open the damn window?

There are thousands of students on campus, handfuls of spread out buildings, and too many people... it's luck if you remember a figure that passed you the day before. So when I saw you... I guess I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me to at least see you one last time with all of this attached. It's always interesting how things end.

I just want you to understand, I'm never changing who I am. I won't ever turn back to go to that place where I was set idly on the shelf to be picked up on a later day. I'm not much of a fan for being in hell while others party their souls away. I don't be liked to call a liar either, maybe there's a reason I didn't tell you everything. But one thing is for sure, no lie ever came out of my mouth. I'll get a little bit bigger in heart, in spirit, in mind, but I'll never change who I am. This road won't be lonely, this house will be standing when I leave till it burns down. Till it's time to begin my new life. So sad that you won't be there, and never get to be a part of my story again... even if you never want to, it won't be open. To my story, the writer, who writes her feelings down on javascript and web pages.

Whether you saw me that last little time as you road away, I swear we held a gaze for a solid second. And that second was enough for me. You look different, but not the way I remember. Not the kind face I was so use to see greeting me. I guess time does crazy things to crazy people.

I peel back the curtain one more time, seeing a man in an orange shirt with a green maintenance truck companioning him. He tears at the grass beneath a tree with a shovel, perfecting what needed little correction. I'm content with watching him dig, waving to the occasional student. I'm content with watching the girl in the sweatshirt texting while she walks between the dorms. I'm content with watching the red headed boy on his yellow bike and black hat riding to his next class. Because they are all strangers, strangers I may never know now or ever again.

There's freedom in speaking the truth, I wish to leave all of my readers with that. The freedom you feel after the gut wrenching hurt grips your heart and resides in your chest is one of the most peaceful feelings. You let go of the past, you train your eyes on the cloudy skies wondering when the next time you'll see the sun is, and what you might exactly be doing then. But that's the mystery in life, we learn to forgive, we let ourselves forget, and we grow a capacity to pick and choose how we're going to walk this path with everyone else. You want to bump into me? Alright, just don't get carried away and think you can take my spot in the end of this adventure; fighting back is one of my favorite past times and believe me I will. My voice will never be silenced.

"This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come. When the lights fade out all the sinners crawl, so they dug your grave and the masquerade will come calling out at the mess you made. Dont want to hide the truth. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. They say it's what you make, I say it's fate. " (Imagine Dragons- Demons)