Tear.

God I TEAR these words from my lips, the long forgotten “I’m sorry” meant to be whispered long ago.

My eyes search for your soul, search for your light, I reach out my hands yearning to touch you. Hold you. Feel your presence.

This fog, I need it to be lifted. My eyes are bleary eyed, foggy, teary eyed. I don’t see anymore, I stumble in the dark. I’ve learned to embrace letting in any feelings I can. God these filters I wear show me only the worlds tear on us, show the corrosive sandpaper that wears us away.

God I see you somewhere, in the moments when I least expect it. In the moments I wish to be alone, you come in those moments. You push through that wall. You step over my boundaries and you meet me where I haven’t been met.

I can’t do that back and forth, the non understanding, the stumbling and trembling, and laying awake in the dark.

Everyone has their challenges, but the world could be challenge free for all I know. All I see god is the mist that hazes over everything, mixes up my directions, leaves me flat on the ground.

God I’m bleeding out on this dirt road, this back road, this place that I have no idea where. The trees grow too high, and too close, I can’t see the sun anymore.

God I cry out to you, but there’s nothing but a low echo as my voice carries off of dead oak. God there’s a fire coming to take us and I’m next in line. God…

Bring me understanding, make these feelings go away. If you’re there and you care clear my mental fog and bring the understanding I’m missing, is there something so wrong with that? It could be me and just a big empty world that is all I see, feel, get.

God, there has to be more if not I don’t understand life. Where is the gold tablet with the inscription written in lighting? Where is the love that exists only in heaven? Where is the church when we need it most? No not religion, not the buildings and parking lots we spend out tithe on? God WHERE are your people? Where are they hiding amongst this war that’s raging? Where are their hearts? Their souls are no where to be found because I’m a lost and broken thing, and not one has been reaching out to me. Not till now.

So why now?

Why this way, why in the night and the dark, and the time before day? Why with words, why can’t there be you, ” Why can’t there be something for me to get through to you…” You say.

I’m paving my way, hazing on days, everything from my past has become a trip lost on the tray. Carried away, God by the butler you gave. I can’t call him back cause I don’t know his name.

I’m being pushed forward, lost in the crowd, God I’d scream but everyone is being too loud. You say “You’re there for me child” I’m a scared and I’m wild. Wild with the thoughts of another day being lied to. Four walls hold my roof, but it’s the gnashing of teeth that prevents me from screaming and becoming the being. I keep seeing demons God, they come in the night. Infiltrate my dreams, and take away my sight. I can’t see anymore, all I see is the fear. The terror, I’m the wearer, it’s a fear my dear. I’ve become a regular, so lost in this den. The lions left for lunch and I’m trapped in this bed. I’m never getting out, I’m shackled to the top, God there has to be a key that someone else hid last time. God I’m crying, and writhing, and rocking back and forth. There comes I time when I just can’t take anymore. It’s the moment, the beginning, the time where I end. Here I am God this is the end. Nights of the torture nights of the terrors, back and forth we play this game of who ends up dead first?

I can’t take their games, I can’t fight their rhymes. Their words cut me deep like a sword and a scythe. Back and forth battered, bruised and tattered. God I’m tore up from the floor up and there’s no getting back up now. If this is my kingdom, on the threshold of pain, let me walk with the monsters if that’s all I have to gain. The confusion the madness, the agony and sadness is at the point where I’m ready to break. God I’ve handed in my blood soaked rag, bleeding out of every orifice, I’m at my limit Lord and surely you know it.

So here’s my final plea, and I mean every word. If there’s a way out, to pay out, just let it be heard. The drams are too much, give me liquor-laced laze. God let your sweet hands remove this murky haze. I don’t want religion, or the buildings erected, I want the people inside that have been misdirected. Where is your body Lord, the last of your people. Because God I’m the little child, who needs your love to fight of this evil.