Refusal to Sleep.

Refusal to sleep.

It’s not that my bed isn’t inviting enough…
It’s not as I wish to miss out on dreaming…
It’s not like I’m suicidal to say the least…
I just can’t sleep.
Could be nerves, could be something else. Maybe it’s the music I continue to listen to and it keeps my brain going a little bit more. Maybe it’s that I’ve found that little niche’ I fit so perfectly into. To be honest, I’m sure no one is reading these, so I have no problem with telling the truth. Because what are words if they have no solid backing to cling to?
I’m scared out of my mind, it’s nerve-wracking, it’s relentless, and it’s my own damn mind that’s doing this. I won’t ever have the power to peer into the depths of someone’s mind and be able to know what they’re keeping away from the world. From me. It’s just not possible. What intrigues me though, is the less you know about someone, the more you’re given free reign to wonder and the quicker you seem to judge. Or jump… to conclusions that is.
To be honest, I have no idea. If you’re reading this, it seriously takes not even 60 seconds. And if you’re not… then I just wasted 60 seconds trying to find out “something”, whatever the hell that may be.
I’m not the biggest fan of surprises, that’s why I like to have plans, back up plans, and last resorts. But I don’t know what I should feel if I’m left tiptoeing on the edge of a fence. Especially if being up here wasn’t my choice to begin with. If you’re going to set someone someplace don’t forget about them. I’m not saying you have to have an in depth “anything”… just “something”. Just say something. Maybe it’s from the bottom of our hearts that we chose not to, we keep the silence that is the peace before the storm. Before the war.
Like any war… there is a brief flash of a moment, that begrudgingly passes over both sides of the battle. The people, human beings, that are about to walk out into suicide have a deep thought that is only kept by the silence of a pretentious and unsettling peace. For the moment, you’re safe. When the tide breaks and the blood spills, you don’t know what you will be left with if you’re left at all. So what’s the best decision? Because familiarity is almost one of the worst cases of inconsideration. If you are strangers, then become like you are, not as you were. But, in the off chance that you’re unsure too… then you are letting your human insecurities peek through, so don’t defend those, submit. If you claim to be the strong person that you “are” the question that will be asked of you is why you have gone the path you have. If you can lie and say that you know it’s best, then you don’t deserve the power you have in answering that very same question.You should be slapped.
Being unsure is attractive only if you are honest.
Fighting words are fighting words and they become the chants that our heart sings in the faint hours of night… when our strength has been depleted and by no means are we capable of refilling. We are only human, and if we can’t reach the source? We suffer, that is a given.
To keep a secret is a nasty treasure, and I mean this simply and with nothing behind the words. They are sticks laid down over pits instead of bridges over rivers. They are not solid and they never will be, yet they are there and true. Honest.
So if you are willing, to let someone contemplate this over and over and over again.. repeatedly. Repetitively. Continuously. Without end. Relentlessly. Then you good friend are nothing of the sort. You dear soul, have the earned the capability of tearing someone’s. So make your choice and pick your poison because either way there will be questions, and there will be things that you do not have answers to.
A defender, a protector, that is the role we must learn to take. Physically, we must make it impossible for any corrupt soul to touch the one that we keep closest to our heart, for when they are cut, we bleed twice as much. It’s the armor that we wear with honor, with pride and a humble smile, because we will walk into any foe, any trap that we must to make sure that it is the last time they will ever be forced to encounter it.
As a guardian, we are meant to bring peace of mind, bring strength, and a comfort that no one else will ever be able to deliver. We are one of kind, to that one of a kind soul we are attached to. Never will we fail them and forever will we know when we have. We shall not cower in the face of uncertainty, we will hold our shoulders back and focus our gaze on the ever-present issue. We will destroy it, mangle it’s structure, defy the very NATURE oh its existence just to being safety. Security. The home that only we can provide. We ARE the place that is ran to when there is no where else to run. We will help find the answer because that is our job, our passion, and our purpose. It is something deeply engraved into our soul that we will never be able to comprehend, even if  God were telling us the very answers. We just do, we go forward, onward. For our love.
It may be wrong for one to feel so, for to allow this to grasp my very being, but there’s nothing that I can’t accomplish, the question is should I? Because something ill-ly reciprocated is something that will make you sick during the endurance. So if I shall be forced to strip my armor I will, I will lock it away indefinitely, possibly forever. I will never be forced to fill those shoes I only got to embrace for a few short moments, thank God. If those moments were the last that  were ever shared I wish you the most incredible memories for the future to come, because that is all the sum they ever will be.
It is from my very soul and heart I have attached these words, so their foundation is as steady as the beating of my pulse through my veins. It encompasses me as I hope my words have enraptured you. Nothing has ever come from the deepest pit of me, nothing. So imagine my eyes as they would be after something as this, and tell me what it is.
If this was even uncovered.
Overnight is when thoughts develop, in the mourning is when we let them shape our entirety.