A Candystore Metaphor

I want to wrap myself in a blanket, not for warmth but for shelter. A protection from the outside and all of it’s sinister voices whispering, “You can’t.” I want to let the downy softness cradle away the fear and the sadness. To let a pleasant consolation sweep over me in a joyous wave of nostalgia.
I would give anything right now for some kind of comfort that resembled that, the comfort that carried no traces of confusion. That I knew, and they knew. That it was something mutual. I wish there was no frustration and wishing, that things just became not happened. I wish that there weren’t so many choices because I was always the little kid in the candy store last to choose. There were too many options.
When I looked at all the brightly color filled jars I had a hard time seeing myself eating any of them. It was always the idea of having them all that intrigued me. But never did I get the one I wanted because I always wanted more adventure. Maybe I’m picking and choosing my life that way. Picking through the options I know I would love in search of something more. As it concludes, by the end of our years we are aged and hopefully all the wiser. But do we ever really find that peace? Or is it something strange that makes us want to reach out for more?
In the expanse of all my synapses, memory cords, and array of lobes, I can’t explain why I always want something more. Being content is something I find difficult and really, finding the time is what makes me begrudgingly sit and write about making choices.
Maybe it’s a childish thing, and I have yet to grow up. It’s conceivable that my brain is not fully developed and I shall have to wait till the right time comes. Till then, all I know as truth from my accumulated experience is this.
“When things become hard, I begin to question. Not because I want to know why it’s happening, but because I want to know what I should change. So forever I switch back and forth between ultimatums taking the harshness and backlash from both.”
There are so many things we want, and I refer to “we” because I know I am not alone. So, when we are forced to sit in an empty room, in the dark, eyes scanning nothing and our mind imagining everything… we’re left to ask a simple question… What do I want?
I know this logic has all been based around the idea of wanting, but we as individuals let our wants drive our feet that later take the steps towards our goals. Whether they be big, small, or just plain stupid, borderline on mediocrity… we get somewhere, simply because of wanting.
Now, I’m writing this because I want something more. Whatever that may be. I assure you that I have never heard the right answer so I continue to search, so maybe that is my blessing and curse. I just pray that my guardian angel watch over me well as I sleep because even in my dreams I search.
Maybe I’ll live the rest of my life searching, and maybe when I come to the end, I’ll look up and say “I found it”. But, whatever “it” is I have yet to be introduced by the twisted sister Fate and I have no engagements in the near future with her. Unless she plans to grace me with  her presence unannounced.
Please Fate, Destiny, show me a little glimpse of what you’ve seen. Because a lifetime of adventure is a dream, but a moment of solace is bliss.

Learning to breathe.

Learning to Breathe.

“You’ll laugh when there is something funny… you will love when you find something worth loving.”
When you sit down at the threshold of the place where you find peace, or had, and realize that you’ve fallen away from yourself… You have to sit back and understand the past. It’s a hairy, sticky, heart hurting mess, but it has to be sorted. Just as your room has to be cleaned, and you have to keep going on. Even if you don’t want to.
I’ll admit, I’ll cover one thing with another. And another… and another. I’ll let it build till I have this perfectly built up illusion of a castle… that’s really crumbling down as I stare. I’ll hold on to the past for as long as I can, with both of my hands white knuckled… gripping for it all to come back. I’ve held my breath for so long, waiting for things for things to change back. And in the mean time.. I forgot how to breathe. Essentially, I forgot how to live.
What a strange thing it is, to feel my heart beat again. What a strange pain it has become, knowing that the dull throb in my chest is there to stay. With every time I open my mouth, I hear my own voice, the one that was weak and broken. I’m not asking for understanding, Really… I’m not asking for anything. I just want to say it, I want to say out loud that I have been coward. I have been weak, and I have felt small.
I have become a con artist, and a master at bolting for the door when I feel my castle crumbling down. So here I am… down to where the foundation should be and I see the same little girl I started with. I see her crying in her room and begging for the world to be over. Begging for an answer to come. Three years later, My answer has come… and it’s feeling again. In my past I have been hurt, and I never understood why. It’s a little hazy… but I think I get it now.
Because someday, someone is going to love me for me. The silly, the crazy, the bad. The ugly. I won’t have to fight for my opinion to be heard, I won’t have to wear a different face everyday. I will wake up in the morning have a strong armed barricade holding me tight and fighting out the worlds little voices and ideas. Nothing will matter, because I will be able to be me and no one will care. Because I surely won’t.
I look down at my hands now, watching my fingers slide across the keys, and I wish nothing more to describe the swelling warmth inside of my chest and back. I wish to tell you that there is some sort of seed of passion deep inside of me… and it’s the foundation that I need.
It’s a funny place, to think that we live in, that has set me up for this moment. This very instance where I have been given the chance to see, and feel, and have partial understanding.
I accept the hurt that has happened, I accept the pain that was ignored, I forgive all those that decided I wasn’t good enough. All of those people that took one look at me and let me fall under the rug never to be seen again. For all of you that gave me not a second thought… I hope you understand what you have done. Because the hurt that was caused is something I have dealt with for a long time. I forgive you though, because if you were in that same place that I was… then you don’t seen anything. You’re ignorant to the world, to yourself, and to your family. And there’s a lot your missing, and I feel sorry for you.
Because, even with knowing something like you do, something that was brought to you… if you still refuse to change, there is no point in being. I know my words will have an impact, on someone, maybe no one. But I want you to know, that these are my words, and I’ve fought for too long to let them be silenced. I will no longer write the story that you want, because we want different things.
I will not turn into someone else that you want me to be, because you’re just projecting your ideas on my beautiful image. Yes, I am confident in the fact that I am beautiful human being with a heart of gold and no intentions of ever hurting a single soul. If I could, I would stop and help everyone if that’s what they were seeking. I will not force my help upon people, so if you ask, I will answer. In any way I can… I will come. Once you have my heart, you will always all of me. And that’s what people don’t understand.
I will never be that girl, that’s okay with pretending. That’s okay with trying to understand something I will never agree with. I will never be that stereotypical girl with the same stereotypical thoughts you think have. You don’t know me, and unless you take the time to know me… all you’re doing in idealizing me is judging yourself. I will love you as a human whoever you are, and that will be our common ground. But I will only let you see me, and understand me if there is trust there. If there is no judging, if there is the same understanding in your eyes as mine as I look into yours.
I have no intentions of pleasing everyone. Ever. All I wish to do is speak my truth, and share my love with the world to help those beyond the reach of others. I am an extension of the hand that was suppose to reach you. I will read your intentions, I will search heart in a single moment… and if you need me, I will be there.
Someday, I hope that will be extended to me, hopefully, I’ll meet my other half. The same person who will not judge me, who will know me, who will never jump to conclusions, and above all else… never scare me or make my soul feel threatened. I have a fragile heart and soul, as much as I like to be strong, I am weak and I rely on those stronger than me for support.My legs give out constantly and I fall to the ground repeatedly… arms and knees bloody from pushing myself back up again. I have learned to stand up when I am pushed down. I have been given trials beyond your wildest dreams. Someday… someone will hold me up and my wounds will hear, I will have thick scars where I once had open flesh.
The best part? I won’t have to keep looking for you… because you’ll find me. You’ll hear my off-beating heart and rescue me from all the war and fighting. I will have my hero, my champion, my knight ragged armor… because who wants a prince that never went into battle? Who wants someone that let their fighting be done for them? I will know you by your heart, and you will hold mine tenderly in your palms. I will let you sew my heart back up on my sleeve where it belongs, and we will carry on that way.
Someday we’ll be together. Someday all the hurting will be worth it, and someday… I will show you battle scars and say, ” I had the strength to keep stumbling on… because I knew you would be there at the end to help me. I love you, and I will forever and always. Till the day I take my last breath… I will breathe for you.”
I write

Not feeling so hot.

I feel so on the brink, deteriorating, shaky and wrong. I'm happy, I'm the person I've always wanted to be, but I feel wrong.
I'll stare into space... seeing nothing and feeling s if my head is about to explode, like I'll fade into the darkness....
I feel as if on the verge of passing out, like my breathes are slowing and I'm living with only a little oxygen flowing through my veins. I'm drowsy all the time, tired and unlively. I'm excited, I'm not held back by anything I only wish to succeed. I just don't know what's wrong.
Hypochondria runs in the family, I guess I should say that, but this is something because I've never felt like this before. It feels wrong. I don't feel good. I don't know what is wrong with me. i do'nt like feeling this sick, and weak, and gross. Unfocused. Skeptic.
I guess I could just write a bunch of words, taths' all these are in my feint stupor. Hysteria, i feel like I'm manually shutting down and all the little workers inside of my brain are closing up and locking up tonight, without telling me of course. I don't know what to do. Surely it doesn't make sense. Is there something I could take that could gelp me get more oxygen? I feel like that would make eeverything better, but.... I don't know. Ugh. I feel awful, and tired, and numb. But not in the hurt way, in the "I feel numb because i'm not functioning" kind of way.
What. The. Hell.

Tear.

God I TEAR these words from my lips, the long forgotten “I’m sorry” meant to be whispered long ago.

My eyes search for your soul, search for your light, I reach out my hands yearning to touch you. Hold you. Feel your presence.

This fog, I need it to be lifted. My eyes are bleary eyed, foggy, teary eyed. I don’t see anymore, I stumble in the dark. I’ve learned to embrace letting in any feelings I can. God these filters I wear show me only the worlds tear on us, show the corrosive sandpaper that wears us away.

God I see you somewhere, in the moments when I least expect it. In the moments I wish to be alone, you come in those moments. You push through that wall. You step over my boundaries and you meet me where I haven’t been met.

I can’t do that back and forth, the non understanding, the stumbling and trembling, and laying awake in the dark.

Everyone has their challenges, but the world could be challenge free for all I know. All I see god is the mist that hazes over everything, mixes up my directions, leaves me flat on the ground.

God I’m bleeding out on this dirt road, this back road, this place that I have no idea where. The trees grow too high, and too close, I can’t see the sun anymore.

God I cry out to you, but there’s nothing but a low echo as my voice carries off of dead oak. God there’s a fire coming to take us and I’m next in line. God…

Bring me understanding, make these feelings go away. If you’re there and you care clear my mental fog and bring the understanding I’m missing, is there something so wrong with that? It could be me and just a big empty world that is all I see, feel, get.

God, there has to be more if not I don’t understand life. Where is the gold tablet with the inscription written in lighting? Where is the love that exists only in heaven? Where is the church when we need it most? No not religion, not the buildings and parking lots we spend out tithe on? God WHERE are your people? Where are they hiding amongst this war that’s raging? Where are their hearts? Their souls are no where to be found because I’m a lost and broken thing, and not one has been reaching out to me. Not till now.

So why now?

Why this way, why in the night and the dark, and the time before day? Why with words, why can’t there be you, ” Why can’t there be something for me to get through to you…” You say.

I’m paving my way, hazing on days, everything from my past has become a trip lost on the tray. Carried away, God by the butler you gave. I can’t call him back cause I don’t know his name.

I’m being pushed forward, lost in the crowd, God I’d scream but everyone is being too loud. You say “You’re there for me child” I’m a scared and I’m wild. Wild with the thoughts of another day being lied to. Four walls hold my roof, but it’s the gnashing of teeth that prevents me from screaming and becoming the being. I keep seeing demons God, they come in the night. Infiltrate my dreams, and take away my sight. I can’t see anymore, all I see is the fear. The terror, I’m the wearer, it’s a fear my dear. I’ve become a regular, so lost in this den. The lions left for lunch and I’m trapped in this bed. I’m never getting out, I’m shackled to the top, God there has to be a key that someone else hid last time. God I’m crying, and writhing, and rocking back and forth. There comes I time when I just can’t take anymore. It’s the moment, the beginning, the time where I end. Here I am God this is the end. Nights of the torture nights of the terrors, back and forth we play this game of who ends up dead first?

I can’t take their games, I can’t fight their rhymes. Their words cut me deep like a sword and a scythe. Back and forth battered, bruised and tattered. God I’m tore up from the floor up and there’s no getting back up now. If this is my kingdom, on the threshold of pain, let me walk with the monsters if that’s all I have to gain. The confusion the madness, the agony and sadness is at the point where I’m ready to break. God I’ve handed in my blood soaked rag, bleeding out of every orifice, I’m at my limit Lord and surely you know it.

So here’s my final plea, and I mean every word. If there’s a way out, to pay out, just let it be heard. The drams are too much, give me liquor-laced laze. God let your sweet hands remove this murky haze. I don’t want religion, or the buildings erected, I want the people inside that have been misdirected. Where is your body Lord, the last of your people. Because God I’m the little child, who needs your love to fight of this evil.

One Kiss

What do you do when you're scared?
Terrified.
Horrified
Worried Sick.
It's easy to talk about yourself, to tell people... but it's another to show them.
I can tell you about the hurt that I've been through, I can smile and wave to the past and have no cares in my life. I can do a lot of things. But I can't hide this.
I can't hide this irrational fear, that somewhere underneath this surface, there's more that I won't ever understand. And then it will fall apart again.
Through my eyes, I've seen the colors of blurring skin, I've seen the black of night against darker water, I've seen the smiles and the fading grins, the hidden smirks, the hurt behind light eyes. I've seen the person in the mirror when I step in front of it.
There's something there, behind all of the happenings and hurt, that I can't shake.
There's this uneasy feeling, uneasy, scared little girl looking at the world through hurt eyes. Is it wrong to not want to keep up this constant fight?
All I want... All I want is a place of safety, sanctity, a home.
The lies hurt me everytime, I'll wear the mask to this masquerade that we call life.
I've come to this moment... where my dreams at night, that seem so real... I feel like they are. All the times I've seen those that I love, at night, during the day, the back and forth is killing me, this deja vu is breaking me. If there was any better breaking point as any this is it.
God, if you're there, here's my hand and I need you to help me get up from this place. I need someplace to go and take refuge. I need to be me, but I need to be a me that I love.
I need to find this place that I can be happy.
It doesn't come down to how I look
who I'm with
My friends
My faith
it comes down to something more... something that I need. what the hell is it?
Why do I have to be with people that treat me like I am nothing?
When it all comes down to it... if you expect to lose someone... expect to give up on them. Don't leave things the way that has happened to me everytime.
Every. single. Time.
There's always someone else, and each time I fall they leave me there to be kicked in the throat, I'll gasp on the little air that I have if that's all I have left. Just please, could I have an answer to any of my questions?
Why did he treat me like that God? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently and why do I have to keep getting hurt over and oever again. It's not a clean break each time, it's "I'm down, they kick, I'm down they kick some more."
All that is left of me is a black and broken bruised shell of a body, confused out of my mind, stumbling and trembling to stand up again. My lungs have collapsed, my fingers bloody from trying to drag myself along broken glass.
There's a reason that I'm a female I think... because I couldn't handle taking care of everything. I couldn't deal with being incharge of an entire family. What I need most, is someone to lead me to guide to be by my side ready to catch me when I fall. When I fall... I do'nt need more beatings, I need a hand to help me up.
The things I have seen, as different people stand over me looking at me with the same look I look past the eyes and see the soul underneath. The intentions.
If you can say "love" one moment and let it die on your lips not even a day later. I don't think I will ever know love.
How could someone like me deserve someone as special as that? I don't. I don't know. I don't undesrstand.
I'll never get that partner, I'll never get that companion, that love, because I don't know if there will ever be someone.  Someone equally yoked to me. Someone that knows and understands and can talk to me about the things that matter, to take me away from this awful place that we call "home". World is not home it's a prison meant to trap our souls. Meant to leave us broken and bleeding. It's not a cycle of life, it's a sprint to escape. We aren't like anyone else yet we end up in catagories such as others. I want to be unique, special, different. I want to be alive, not this half understood, used up crap. I can't handle much more. I need more.
It's a fear. These are the fears I have, they bring me to my knees in the dead of night, they punch my in the stomach with iron fists and kick me with steel-tipped boots. Bleeding out.
Ugh. One kiss was all it took to bring up a swell of thoughts I've been holding back for a long time. What does that mean?

Mask?

My lovely apocalypse drawing. Believe it or not I was trying to draw just a girl and then the mask decided to show up.. yadda yadda yadda.... and this is where it went :}

A poem-to my missing sketchbook. May your absence be worth it

I stare at the ground, twiddling my thumbs in anxiety.
The distance seems so beautiful I wish I could record such a think, oh wait!
I grab for my purse, lightining fast, mixing the contents around like soup.
Plucking and pulling, thrusting and throwing, my sketchbook is no where to be found.
"It's just bound paper," they say... weeks later as I refuse to draw a single thing.
"You don't understand," I mutter, because really... I didn't either.
A simple booklet.
Blank pages milky white.
The mystery of what it may hold in a year, in a month, in a day.
Gone *snapping fingers* just like that.
I'll find you someday, but until... I refuse to draw. Your absence is too painful.
All my thougths can wait, be jammed up, and lost.
That's how stubborn I have become.
Because of the idea of a simple mass of blank, bound pages.

My mind is kind of at a stand still I guess? There's so many things going that I don't really know what to stick with and run with. Too many thoughts thats for sure. So I'll make a list?
Alright! That's what I'll do, I'll list it up:
-I'm not a fan of immature adults
-I'm not a fan of the reproducing and creating immature childrenn
-I really want to get the Samsung Galaxy Tab with keyboard so I can write on the go...
-At the same time I really want to get the new iphone
-I love late night working out
-I'm pretty sure I've become nocturnal
-I miss Boise so much, I feel like I left my heart there.
-This year of freedom is the blessing that everyone should be given.
-I will be 18 in 10 months.
- I want to get my nose pierced a couple weeks after I turn 18
-I really enjoy writing but I get scared when thinking about writing a book... because it never turns out right.
- I have a friend in Canada and I have such high respect for him because he works so hard for 11 hours a day, everyday. From 4 p.m. to 3 a.m.
-I may actually get to see him this year in real life.
-I really want to get a miniature chihuahua when I'm old enough to handle that and going to school and working.
-I love my friends <3
-That Mio drink mix stuff? I'm drinking it right now and I have to stop after almost each bullet to take a sip because it's a peach mango EXPLOSION in my mouth each time... (sip sip) yup... *ahhh* that stuff is good.
-Sometimes I wonder what God has planned for my life, or at least twice a day the thought crosses my mind.
- I wonder constantly what it's like to be in that constant love feeling, and what it's like to actually meet someone your soul clicks with.
-I've noticed a lot of the times I'll act a certain way around certain people, maybe that's due to how familiar I am with them but still, it's weird.
-If I could do anything right this very second it would be fly to Paris and walk along the dimly lit cobblestone streets with a fantastic chai tea in hand and gazing at the people and stars that passed by.
-If I could do anything with my life and get paid for it, it would be to ask question and not neccesarily find answers, just bring them to the forefrontal of people's minds.
-I love reading but get intimidated by classic books because often times I don't neccesarily agree with them and get irritated when I have to grab for a dictionary every 2 minutes. Oh come on, you do too. You know what I'm talking about.
-I'm irritated that I still attend highschool but at the same time it is allowing me to follow the path  I want and give me a headstart to catch up with the people I care about.... and by pass the idiots who decided to leave me.
-There are a lot of idiotic people I've met.
-Everyone is judgemental in one way or another, but some people just seem to ooze envy and jealousy and it's sickening to be around.
-I'm highly influenced by people's personalities, so a good soul is a happy Bea. <3 A big smile is an even bigger one in return.
-I question way too freakin much.
-I wish there was a way for me to make money doing just this, and this alone. Just writing about things I feel passionately about.
-Did I mention that I really want to go to BSU?
-I feel like somehow... someway... I will change the world. Even if it is a small change, I'll influence something and that something I hope is for the better. That I let my words speak nothing but the truth.
-That last statement was oober corny and I'm not sure why I typed it.
-Don't you just love the sound of the keyboard when you type? It's one of my favorite sounds... it clears my head andmakes me take more even breathes, because for somereason I have a hard time breathing at times.
-I love fruit, and if I could live off of one food group it would have to be fruit. every and all types <3 Oh yum...
-I'm a fan of sushi too, while we're at it. The more I try the more I love it. I really want to go to Japan just to say I've had real Japanese candy and likewise... say that I've been there and had some of their candy because that s*** is crazy!
-What do you think the best candy is?
-I love classic games, sometimes I just play my Pokemon Gold on my Gameboy advance and remember the days when I obsessed over how new it was.
-It seems like growing up takes forever... but at the same time. We take one quick look back over our shoulder "metaphorically speaking" and we're already too far ahead to back track out steps. What gives?
-I'm kind of tired of making lists now. And psychology homework is beckoning me.
-ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Slenderman vs. Hollow Face.

Hopefully everyone knows what Redbox is, but if you don't, it's a little box that it red.
... oh and you can rent movies from it, but yeah. So usually... 8 times out of 10 they put more secluded recluse movies in there that no one has ever heard of. The Intruder being one of them.

Whilst watching this freaky movie last night, I couldn't help feel bad for my poor friend that sad behind that I kept ramming up into because I was so terrified of the freaking show. I mean... honestly. It's about a figure with no face that steals the faces off of childern, yeah? Your a little freaked out too? Good, because I was "about-to-pee-my-pants" scared.

So while the terror is going on I couldn't help but think of a character from a from an equally frightening video game. Slenderman. For those of you that are unsure about THAT, it's a PC game where a giant, tall, creepy man with no face is after you. Pretty much in a nutshell.

Was there a connection between these two faceless characters in different media? I'm unsure, but the whole concept of a creepy faceless person who WANTS you is enough to make you check your closet twice before you go to bed. Maybe three if you're feeling extra cautious. I honestly couldn't believe how freaked out I was as young adult. Jeez.

So my challenge to you... pick up a copy of The Intruder and download a version of Slenderman for your computer. Play it/ Watch it. And  let me know just how scared you are too. And if there are any similarities in the characters that you can tell.

Worse comes to worse... you can't sleep for a week because you're scared of a faceless man that lives in the shadows of your room. I mean, honestly, what do you have to lose?

;)

(Check out these links if you dare accept the challenge)
Slenderman
The Intruders

I'm on top of the world 'ay

If you love somebody
Better tell them while they’re here ‘cause
They may just run away from you

You’ll never know what went well
Then again it just depends on
How long of time is left for you

I’ve had the highest mountains
I’ve had the deepest rivers
You can have it all but not til you prove it

(Now take it in but don’t look down)

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take it with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child

“I’m on top of the world”
(Imagine Dragons)

Out the window.

It's amazing how big college campuses are... even for little ol' Boise Idaho. Walking along the paved sidewalks and watching the trees and ivy wind around the old bricks just does something to my soul. Being here is like being home, in a weird way. Seeing the students walk to class with intent gazes on the path ahead makes my heart squeeze with anticipation.
Walking among them taunts me.

Being with my friends laughing at dinner makes me think about the future and what it holds... because in so little time so much can change. One minute, you're laughing over mini cheesecakes and trying to force that last bite of lasagna down.... next... you're looking out the window at the wrong time.

There are those nights you spend staring at the ceiling wondering, "Why me?" What did I do to feel like this? Bitter, hateful, angry comments are on the back burner as you stare with half opened eyes nowhere, but seeing everything. All the moments, all the pain, all of the beauty mixed in with the bad.

Waking up early seemed like a good idea after a night like that, for the life of me I just couldn't sleep. So Breakfast would always be the solution in a situation as such. Walking back I peer over my shoulder, look ahead of me and scan the sides fearing I'll see you're face. Or you. I'm not sure why either.

Like I should be worrying about that right? Like I should care about someone that treated me like everyone else before him. Even if it doesn't seem that, people never know the full story and they always seem to leave before they can hear it.

Whether it be luck, fate, chance, destiny, God, or something else. I opened the damn window this morning. I was confident when I peeled back the pink curtain I wouldn't see anyone there, that I could watch the college students stroll by going from class to class and be able to enjoy the sun on my face after a long dark night.
....
Why did I open the damn window?

There are thousands of students on campus, handfuls of spread out buildings, and too many people... it's luck if you remember a figure that passed you the day before. So when I saw you... I guess I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me to at least see you one last time with all of this attached. It's always interesting how things end.

I just want you to understand, I'm never changing who I am. I won't ever turn back to go to that place where I was set idly on the shelf to be picked up on a later day. I'm not much of a fan for being in hell while others party their souls away. I don't be liked to call a liar either, maybe there's a reason I didn't tell you everything. But one thing is for sure, no lie ever came out of my mouth. I'll get a little bit bigger in heart, in spirit, in mind, but I'll never change who I am. This road won't be lonely, this house will be standing when I leave till it burns down. Till it's time to begin my new life. So sad that you won't be there, and never get to be a part of my story again... even if you never want to, it won't be open. To my story, the writer, who writes her feelings down on javascript and web pages.

Whether you saw me that last little time as you road away, I swear we held a gaze for a solid second. And that second was enough for me. You look different, but not the way I remember. Not the kind face I was so use to see greeting me. I guess time does crazy things to crazy people.

I peel back the curtain one more time, seeing a man in an orange shirt with a green maintenance truck companioning him. He tears at the grass beneath a tree with a shovel, perfecting what needed little correction. I'm content with watching him dig, waving to the occasional student. I'm content with watching the girl in the sweatshirt texting while she walks between the dorms. I'm content with watching the red headed boy on his yellow bike and black hat riding to his next class. Because they are all strangers, strangers I may never know now or ever again.

There's freedom in speaking the truth, I wish to leave all of my readers with that. The freedom you feel after the gut wrenching hurt grips your heart and resides in your chest is one of the most peaceful feelings. You let go of the past, you train your eyes on the cloudy skies wondering when the next time you'll see the sun is, and what you might exactly be doing then. But that's the mystery in life, we learn to forgive, we let ourselves forget, and we grow a capacity to pick and choose how we're going to walk this path with everyone else. You want to bump into me? Alright, just don't get carried away and think you can take my spot in the end of this adventure; fighting back is one of my favorite past times and believe me I will. My voice will never be silenced.

"This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come. When the lights fade out all the sinners crawl, so they dug your grave and the masquerade will come calling out at the mess you made. Dont want to hide the truth. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. They say it's what you make, I say it's fate. " (Imagine Dragons- Demons)

Maybe this is why I can't sleep at night?

The Shape Is....

You know that you're out of shape when the run you use to do as a warm makes you want to throw up. Oh my freakin gosh, it's impossibly hard to believe how quickly muscles can deteriorate. Speaking of muscles.
I have to build mine up. I'm not sure if I should do it... but there is a proffesional cheer team that I could join with this once in a life time opportunity. Yeah, sounds too good to be true? It just might be. Not only is it perfect but the cost is freakin almost a grand and that's a lot of money.
See, here is a little story to give you a taste of where I'm coming from.
I use to be a cheerleader for the school cheer team. We woke up every morning at 5 a.m. and practiced till practically 8 a.m. Not to mention after school practices from 3:30 p.m. to 5. Mind you this is all in the same day. So I got a bit burnt out on it, but can you blame me? So I vowed I would never ever ever ever do it again. So here I am.
I have the opportunity to be a part of a team that travels around and does nothing BUT stunting and dancing instead of the standing on the sidelines in skirts to appease the football and sports fans. As much as I love old dudes staring at me, that was definitely not one of my favorite past times.
So I guess I will wait till thursday to see what I think about joining this team. All things set aside, I just don't know if I have it in my heart to be apart of something so big and grande when I'm not even sure I'm capable physically of doing it. The challenge would be more than inviting... but it might not be for me?
A lot of things can change.
I guess only time will tell, and sleep... which I probably need to get some. Considering I had dreams where a bunch of people got eaten by a giant water dragon thing.
Do you think there is any correlation to weird dreams and the amount of sleep you get? If so, I need a chart so I can stop having such weird, messed up dreams.
I've almost come to the point where I call it Acid-Land because it's borderline like I fell through the rabbit hole and landed in an Acid-induced nightmare. (sigh)
Anways... I guess we'll see what will become of cheer. But, all in all, over the next three months I am going to push myself to be in the best physical shape of my life.
For this fact and this fact only:
"I want to feel healthy the second I wake up from sleeping at night, and when I put on those clothes in the morning getting ready to greet the day, I want to have the mentality that ' I can do anything I damn well please. Give me an obstacle to jump and I'll fricken fly over it'." With that mentality, nothing would ever stand in my way and I would be all the better person for it. So really... by physically changing myself, mentally I would become stronger, working hard towards something I feel is near impossible for my body.
We'll see won't we?

For sanity's sake!

So, if you've had a dream consecutively about someone for a two weeks straight... what the heck does that mean? It's almost getting to that point where I fall asleep and say, "Oh it's you again, well what do you want to do tonight? Pass notes off of a medieval church while the duke and duchess of a random city get married? Alright... what about swimming in infested waters and then walking on the beach in the green moonlight afterwards? Yes? Okay sounds like a plan." What. The. Heck.

5? Or 4S?

This whole new Iphone thing has me for a loop. Do I spend the extra hundred dollars to get the sleek, durability, and amazing new features? Or marry the older generation phone for fricken 2 years and THEN update to that one... I'm not exactly sure where I should go. What's more important... being new? Or being cost effective?
and IF I want to get the new phone... it's alright to splurge and spend the money if it's for myself for 2 years right? Oh my.... I have no idea what to do for my new phone.
I.
Don't.
Know.
What.
To.
DO!

"Of Mice and Men"

When you can't sleep at night... I wish only for you to sing this song and this song only.

What I learned while feeling Awkward.

Sometimes we have to drag ourselves to places regardless of really what we’re feeling right? Okay so if we enjoy it nothing was lost but a heaping amount of curiosity takes its place. Because in the midst of turmoil and confusion we’ve found a single moment in time where we have found a peace where we don’t care about the outside. Or who looks in. Where we as human beings, with thirsty souls, want to continue on. Want to move PAST all the crap that’s happened.
But no one really ever knows about our past and the very intimate details of our lives like we do, thank goodness I’m not one to divulge the deepest and darkest of my soul. Because I have learned this and only this through my life:
“When you trust strangers; give them a title in your life before you really know them… What you tell them has no value like someone that is meant to understand you. Someone may not understand you for a very long time. But… at least you didn’t throw your heart around to every single stranger you let break into your life.”
When the debris and ashes of this war have settled down, and we are left to look at the wreckage that wreaked havoc on our homes. I will never blame the person for the mistake, only the influence that was secretly whispering to them in the midst of the blackest night. Subliminally, they were following the voice that influences them most. Everyone will grow up at some point, or so we hope. But that doesn’t mean we will grow up together.
I feel as if reverting back to immaturity is something we must do to relate to lost souls that we let come into our lives. When we allow the immaturity to thwart our ways of thinking, to control and convert us is when we need to step away. Regardless of age, we are all spiritually on a different level. Wanting to step down from where our understanding is, to try and help another is admirable. Wanting to belittle our understanding and yoke ourselves to someone of that lesser understanding will always throw away what we know to aid the weaker, younger spirit. Being yoked equally is all we could ever ask for when it comes to relationships.
So if there are darker forces behind those that have hurt us. Then I pray for you and that someday you might open your eyes to what these actions of yours may bring to those around you.
I hope someday, you learn to fight too. With the right person. For the right reason.
Even if it isn’t with me.
If a single word spoken is more powerful than an entire action- in a parallel universe- let not my lips be my gatekeeper holding me tight to wrought iron bars.

Bring on the Controversy: Viewers Discretion Advised.

This may be the most controversial thing I have ever written, but I do it in love and I do it to stand up for myself when I say this.
Sure, we are human thus: we make mistakes, count others flaws, and question every single damn thing that we do. We judge our neighbors, we’re greedy, and we never seem to have what we want.
Now, I’m going to walk out on a very distant limb here and ask one simple question. How many people belong to a family? Or you came from somewhere? You were birthed in other words…. All of you? Oh good good. Okay, so how many people acknowledge that they are separate people from their parents an family? Meaning: You are not the same person and make different decisions? Good. You are not a clone of anyone. Unless you’re a clone… then… bare with me.
Are you an independent thinker?
Do you have a free will to do as you please (don’t go overboard on this or over think it, I just want to say in general and all generality.)
Do you have a beating heart?
Are you alive and breathing?
If you are all these things my friends… then I dare say that you are your own person. Entitled to their own opinion, and I’m going to further that thought with, “I’m betting you have your own belief systems as a person” deviating away from the basis that there is a standard foundation to everything. Such as humanity.
I have never in my 17 years of existing, existed for the sake of looking for a fight. For wishing to control and manipulate those around me to bend and break to my will. I venture to say that somewhere deep inside of me is a genuine concern for each and every individual that walks this planet; in one way or another. So, here goes nothing.
Stop bashing on Christians. Just because I have faith and believe in something, does not mean that you have more power over me and more credentials to believe that you are superior. We’re all human aren’t we? I don’t judge your opinions. And when I say this, I mean “I” personally. I won’t judge you for what you believe, as long as you give me sound reasoning and a heart of gold then I am more than content.
But for the love of humanity and all things wholesome… stop comparing me to the asshole who stands on the corner and preaches that you’re going to hell. I’m going to say that they are a little mentally unstable and do it out of fear for themselves. Usually… 9 cases out of 9.5 people do what they do out of fear and frustration and concern for themselves. So if someone ever told you that you were going to hell for not believing in God… then I’m pretty confident in my answer that they themselves were insecure and wished to be self righteous in their decision to make a fool of themselves.To accuse those around them instead of themselves.
This is just a single scenario though, as I wished to bring to the fore frontal of this… letter? What ever it be.
All I wish to say. Is that I am individual, and that I as an individual have found peace and sanctuary in God. Don’t judge for something you don’t and may never understand. I am in no way, shape, or form challenging you. But to call out “Christians” and say that we are all miserable people that only care about ourselves… well that is unjust and I really pay no mind to whatever you have to say. Ignorance is something I can only tolerate so little of, thank Jesus.
You, as an individual, given a free will and all, can be whatever you could possibly dream of… in this life. So if you want to be “that” person that is bitter towards a group of people. Then by all means I won’t stand in your way.
I guess I just never understood, why people think they are better than me for believing in something different. And I speak from a personal level here. I never, in my life, have held myself above someone else for characteristics or beliefs that I hold close to me. Just because I’m different by NO circumstances makes anyone better.
I just simply…
believe
something
else
than
you.
So throw around your harsh remarks and bring on this firey torrent of mean word-induced lacerations. I will live the rest of my life feeling sorrow for you for not understanding me, and turn my cheek for I have no reason to fight you. Simply because you don’t understand me. Now… wars may have been started over misunderstanding but not I.
I shall pay you with the kindness that you pay me. So be careful with your words. For they are the double edged sword that leads your life. Just saying. I shall watch mine as well.

Married?

Was asked today if I was married while at work, and when I said "No" the man opened his mouth in disbelief and said I'm "far too sweet and Beautiful not to be...." I don't think he knew I was seventeen but it sure made my day and I sure felt special for that moment :} Even if it was a random compliment from a random stranger. #stillfeltgood

When you can't sleep at night.

When you can't sleep at night.

“Here in this world I’m awaked with mistakes, but its love that keeps fueling me…
Fueling me.
Pretty little lady with your swollen eyes, would you show them to me?
I know I’m not that perfect, but you stay awhile baby, then you will see.
Miles away I can still feel you lay your head down on my embrace…
My embrace
Far away…
Pretty little lady with your swollen eyes, Would you show them to me?
I know I’m not that perfect, But you stay awhile Baby, then you will see
Don’t give up, Baby. I know that its shaky Just let love consume us
Consume us…” (Of Mice& Men~ When You can’t sleep at night)
If I was to belong to someone who loved me so… I wonder what that would be like to meet them face to face. It makes my heart stutter to think about the look that would lay in their eyes as they gazed upon me personally. With me staring back. With nothing but the moment between us.
I can’t help but swallow the feeling down back into my chest, push down the uncertainty that creeps up every brief instance I think about the future. If I were never to find my angel I would never know those tender moments that can only be described as the sustenance and reasoning for existence. It’s those moments that it makes me believe in this day for that tomorrow that will happen. Someone that loves unconditionally,with a ferocious protection strong enough to decimate all other threats to walk in the way. A kindness that surpassed the understanding of me and far exceeded anything that I could imagine on top of that. A deepness that no one had dared to know, a deepness that would pull you in and hold you in a warm embrace. If such a soul existed they would have my all, my heart, my soul. My everything. For you cannot give half of something that cannot be broken in capable hands. Impossible would it be to break my whole soul, strong heart, and overwhelming all-consuming love. As long as there was direction, we could grow as the flowers do, traveling and winding through gardens, up mountain sides and inside fire lit hearths in cozy homes. Any and every where. Strong, and hearty yet fragile and soft tended with the highest amount of care….
… I’ll stop my crazy dreaming because if such a person were to exist, they would not come to me of all the people in the wide world. They would do far better, and succeed in helping someone else exist. Holding their heart within their hands and keeping the steady beat in time and continuing on with a purpose.
If I were to be gifted by such a moment… to know such a love… my dreams would forever be consumed, my heart forever filled, and my life forever given a direction. It’s such a simple wish, and one that I hold to for this moment and forever on. I wish to be so in love, to love someone so much, and be loved in return, that the rest of my life would be an adventure worth traveling and uncovering each precious second. I know I am capable of loving in such a way, but I’m not sure if I will ever be loved the same. If someone is capable of doing that. If I could ever be loved.
To know love; not infatuation or lust… what a moment that would be.

Problematic

If all they are, are words... why do they mean so much?

1.

There is one view on each and every single of my posts. Coincidence? I think not. Who are you strange person who I shall call "1"?

I Swear we'll Never die.

On the edge of everything a precipice caught between the brink and the straight drop... we're given a choice. A choice that becomes one with us and allows us to become something more all in unison.
I don't mind if you're something out of the ordinary, extraordinary, new. I don't care for the past that led me to here, down the dark shadowy hallways to bring me to the clearing. All the immanent, present, non-corruptible things are hiding out of sight and whatever I touch... becoems mine. I keep my eyes focused to the groun watching my steps as I take them each one by one.... one foot in front of the other... holding my breathe with each waking step. Here is now, time is present, and you get none of my presence if you beg to bargain away. If it's something that you contemplate, something that you control, hold it tight till you've exhausted all the possibilities before you through away the whole ship because of a single leak. Duct-tape has been known too fix most anything.
At times I catch myself smiling, not for the new present I'm fully submerged in, but for the past I left behind and the secrets that will never be told. I have no worries, no reason to hide. Nothing left in my wake because I have decided to hop out of the water and go to someplace new. Simple as that. If you imagine of holding someone I'm not the person for you. I'm so sincerely sorrowful to your lack of belief and your incredibly increasing ignorance. "If only you knew" is the thought I hold close to me as I walk through the passing days smiling. Dancing. Laughing. You will never know what it is like to be this again. So I hope the memories are worth your ever present future.
I have found something new, a tiny ticking passion carved out of the back of my soul. It's something that was smothered down and pushed away so I wasn't able to breathe let alone think of it. How am I to seek something that is beyond being found? I'll tell you how, you listen to the shallow rasps of your soul as it tries to regain moment, to exist, breathe, dream, begin again and LIVE. In that moment, when the world snaps back into place as if by magnetics, by science, magic, by something divine and wonderful... all makes sense. There is no fear. Nothing to hold you back by the neck screaming "NO!"
It is a peace. Knowing that we are allowed to dream, to bend on the precipice and decide to jump if we must. Where we land, it's something of a mystery. But what is certain; we will never ever ever get venture back to the place where we stood on open ground with the decision. We travel deeper and deeper into ourselves as time goes by, as the ticking hums along. We are human, we are a mass of passion, confusion, and emotions twined together with one thing... our purpose. Which is simply something we wish to find. Something so simple.
A wild card in game of monopoly, that's what we become when we defy the normal. When we defy the opinions of others. To stretch our boundaries. And baby? You can't hold me back, not even for a second because I laugh at your decisions.
A heart and soul is all we have to put into something, it's a wonderful thing when we can obtain them back from our adventures and continue on our merry way. Shield in hand, Sword at hip by hilt. There's a gleam that trickles into your eyes with each step you take farther and farther away from the past.
Yes, It's a lot of confusion but I wish to only say one thing. There is more, and there is more than you. And do you know why? Because you will never know. something so exactingly, haltingly, priceless. To lose the most precious thing, and not know it is lost... you will spend the entirety of your life searching for it.
I am beyond joy, for the future is uncertain, the skies are blue and open, and I'm ready to travel wherever it is that I must go. With whoever by my side, the steady drumming of my consistent heartbeat being the drum to solely my feet. We all have those things about us. Those mysteries that will remain unsolved. So here is my question mystery stranger. Who are you?

Oopsie

Fell asleep while writing, well that's not a very productive day....

Because You Said So.

You told me to spill my heart and here it is.




















....













There you go. That is what's happening. A stutter stepping, melancholy collision of thoughts that need to be reprocessed. All of them, and it makes me have the hint of betrayal creep into everything. It's one thing to have something be a steady rock that you can lean up against and know that it will always remain, another to know that it was a house of glass painted like a rock to give off the illusion. I hope you know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm naive but I can live with that. I WILL live with that , I have to, but never did I think that I would be given that much time to cultivate a title and position in my head that you filled. Only to have it ripped away. Only to be given an ultimatum that wasn't true.
If I have to lose you, and that's what's best... I guess I have no option. I'll start over new like I've learned and I'll be better at reading the signs and pulling the pieces together a lot sooner than now.
So my conclusion? I start over.

















Hello, My name is Bea, and I have no idea what the hell I'm suppose to do now.

A Riot.

A Riot.

If I were to start a riot, I would build the grandest army. I would fill it with those that have been betrayed through history, neglected, and misunderstood. Anyone and everyone could join because I would only have one requirement. That we all had one thing in common. The same feeling that burned deep enough in our souls to unite each and every one of us to the point of destruction.
We would let that fire smolder and burn in the slowest way, most deadly if I dare may say. A controlled passion is one that outlasts the whimsical fantasies of a child. Together, we would become something greater than our single miseries. What would we have to lose in the end?
This army would be the most discreet but dangerous mass of talent the world would ever see. They would train in the shadows and let the light become something of a memory. They would breathe in the very essence of fear, and learn to take it as if it were sweet oxygen.
We would fight against false institutions established under the sanctity of a safe haven. When really, there is no safe place. In the blink of an eye your world can change and you can be left with nothing. Then what? We would join together taking in those abandoned by the same very things. We would fight societal control. Fight for our freedom, because are we really ever free if we rest?
Never in our lives will we be allowed to take a moment to ourselves, that is the moment we give in. The moment we become misunderstood. We will not apologize for our past actions for they have brought us to that very moment when we united into a family braced in metal armor safe from bullets and swords. From any outside damage, as long as we were willing to carry ourselves forward and not fall behind.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to fight, to want to pound your feet into pavement rather than you fists into flesh. It’s more likely acceptable and a hell of a lot better to fatigue yourself.
So here’s my armor, I put it on proudly for I have earned the right to want to feel protected. To want to protect myself if that’s all I will ever be able to do. Fight me on this if you want, discredit me if you will, but it is only just the beginning, of the fight of a lifetime.

Refusal to Sleep.

Refusal to sleep.

It’s not that my bed isn’t inviting enough…
It’s not as I wish to miss out on dreaming…
It’s not like I’m suicidal to say the least…
I just can’t sleep.
Could be nerves, could be something else. Maybe it’s the music I continue to listen to and it keeps my brain going a little bit more. Maybe it’s that I’ve found that little niche’ I fit so perfectly into. To be honest, I’m sure no one is reading these, so I have no problem with telling the truth. Because what are words if they have no solid backing to cling to?
I’m scared out of my mind, it’s nerve-wracking, it’s relentless, and it’s my own damn mind that’s doing this. I won’t ever have the power to peer into the depths of someone’s mind and be able to know what they’re keeping away from the world. From me. It’s just not possible. What intrigues me though, is the less you know about someone, the more you’re given free reign to wonder and the quicker you seem to judge. Or jump… to conclusions that is.
To be honest, I have no idea. If you’re reading this, it seriously takes not even 60 seconds. And if you’re not… then I just wasted 60 seconds trying to find out “something”, whatever the hell that may be.
I’m not the biggest fan of surprises, that’s why I like to have plans, back up plans, and last resorts. But I don’t know what I should feel if I’m left tiptoeing on the edge of a fence. Especially if being up here wasn’t my choice to begin with. If you’re going to set someone someplace don’t forget about them. I’m not saying you have to have an in depth “anything”… just “something”. Just say something. Maybe it’s from the bottom of our hearts that we chose not to, we keep the silence that is the peace before the storm. Before the war.
Like any war… there is a brief flash of a moment, that begrudgingly passes over both sides of the battle. The people, human beings, that are about to walk out into suicide have a deep thought that is only kept by the silence of a pretentious and unsettling peace. For the moment, you’re safe. When the tide breaks and the blood spills, you don’t know what you will be left with if you’re left at all. So what’s the best decision? Because familiarity is almost one of the worst cases of inconsideration. If you are strangers, then become like you are, not as you were. But, in the off chance that you’re unsure too… then you are letting your human insecurities peek through, so don’t defend those, submit. If you claim to be the strong person that you “are” the question that will be asked of you is why you have gone the path you have. If you can lie and say that you know it’s best, then you don’t deserve the power you have in answering that very same question.You should be slapped.
Being unsure is attractive only if you are honest.
Fighting words are fighting words and they become the chants that our heart sings in the faint hours of night… when our strength has been depleted and by no means are we capable of refilling. We are only human, and if we can’t reach the source? We suffer, that is a given.
To keep a secret is a nasty treasure, and I mean this simply and with nothing behind the words. They are sticks laid down over pits instead of bridges over rivers. They are not solid and they never will be, yet they are there and true. Honest.
So if you are willing, to let someone contemplate this over and over and over again.. repeatedly. Repetitively. Continuously. Without end. Relentlessly. Then you good friend are nothing of the sort. You dear soul, have the earned the capability of tearing someone’s. So make your choice and pick your poison because either way there will be questions, and there will be things that you do not have answers to.
A defender, a protector, that is the role we must learn to take. Physically, we must make it impossible for any corrupt soul to touch the one that we keep closest to our heart, for when they are cut, we bleed twice as much. It’s the armor that we wear with honor, with pride and a humble smile, because we will walk into any foe, any trap that we must to make sure that it is the last time they will ever be forced to encounter it.
As a guardian, we are meant to bring peace of mind, bring strength, and a comfort that no one else will ever be able to deliver. We are one of kind, to that one of a kind soul we are attached to. Never will we fail them and forever will we know when we have. We shall not cower in the face of uncertainty, we will hold our shoulders back and focus our gaze on the ever-present issue. We will destroy it, mangle it’s structure, defy the very NATURE oh its existence just to being safety. Security. The home that only we can provide. We ARE the place that is ran to when there is no where else to run. We will help find the answer because that is our job, our passion, and our purpose. It is something deeply engraved into our soul that we will never be able to comprehend, even if  God were telling us the very answers. We just do, we go forward, onward. For our love.
It may be wrong for one to feel so, for to allow this to grasp my very being, but there’s nothing that I can’t accomplish, the question is should I? Because something ill-ly reciprocated is something that will make you sick during the endurance. So if I shall be forced to strip my armor I will, I will lock it away indefinitely, possibly forever. I will never be forced to fill those shoes I only got to embrace for a few short moments, thank God. If those moments were the last that  were ever shared I wish you the most incredible memories for the future to come, because that is all the sum they ever will be.
It is from my very soul and heart I have attached these words, so their foundation is as steady as the beating of my pulse through my veins. It encompasses me as I hope my words have enraptured you. Nothing has ever come from the deepest pit of me, nothing. So imagine my eyes as they would be after something as this, and tell me what it is.
If this was even uncovered.
Overnight is when thoughts develop, in the mourning is when we let them shape our entirety.

Random story excerpt.

What world am I getting myself into? I could mumble that a hundred times, no a million, to myself and I would never know. My hands ached, I was dizzy to the point of falling over and everything was mess in my life… physically and mentally.

I wandered along a long white hall. Things brushed up against me and sent shivers all the way down my spine and back up again. Was I dying? No I couldn’t be, not if I was still in pain. I took a moment to evaluate myself thoroughly… I wasn’t in pain. Nothing was real, nothing was fake… nothing was everything

I was surrounded into nothingness, drifting in and out between life and death… or death and life considering I had no idea where I was. I was here, I thought to myself. But, where was here?

I couldn’t feel anything, I was drifting among something… wait!!! I was drifting!!! I had no control over where I was moving, it almost seemed like I was being pulled into something that I had no control of.(obviously) This thing was greater than I was, greater than anything I had ever met, ever experienced. It was almost like I was getting sucked into something that would never end… did I want to continue? Did I want to escape, or more likely get stolen, into something I had absolute no control over?

My mind raced through all of the possible outcomes, all bad and accurate. I wanted to leave.

I frantically pushed against the invisible walls that held me. Instantly, I was surrounded by a blinding white that flashed for only as long as I pushed. I was breathless, no air would pass in or out of my lungs; nothing.

Something metallic erupted on my tongue and instantly I was falling…. Things slowly blurred…. Then, it all went fuzzy into numbness, almost like the two were long lost friends that had been reunited by my misfortunes….

I slowly let go of my grip on things, let the battle take me without a fight, and I went under… under what I’m not so sure….

Something cold brushed against my neck and some of my senses seemed to come back to me piece-by-piece, but my voice was rendered useless. I tried to open my eyes but soon found that I had no control over my body still, great, how perfectly useless.

A fog surrounded my head that smelled of dying, burning wood that had been caught out in the rain for o long… then buried for a century or two. The fog caressed my face and chin, almost as if it was trying to get a good look at me before something happened. Still I wanted to scream, but couldn’t find my voice.

The more I thought about what had happened and what was going to happen; the fog would burn my face. It would surround me and practically choked me until I was gasping for breath out my ears since I was gagged and the smoke was in my nose.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t think. Of course that doesn’t seem to be too hard for you, you clearly can avoid peoples hints.”

My face distorted in confusion and fear, all at the same time. The person speaking had a hard, strong voice that left my ears itching from the inside. I couldn’t distinguish whether it was a woman or a man speaking, but they apparently didn’t want me to find out.

“If you cooperate with me I can let you talk… to an extent. I would really appreciate if you didn’t make this hard, because I can make it hell for you… just a warning.” The voice stopped talking for a moment and they seemed to be evaluating their choice of words. I couldn’t figure out why because I couldn’t think without the smoke enveloping me and choking me to death.

“As you probably figured out all ready the smoke that is surrounding you chokes you when you attempt to think, it will continue to do it unless I tell it to stop. The smoke is called cinder fog and I don’t think you want to know what it is made of. By now it’s probably safe to assume that you feel something heavy on your neck. It probably feels cold and rough, but smooth at the same time.” The words stopped there and I realized they were right, I could feel something surrounding my neck.

I opened my mouth to try and ask what it was but the smoke started to fill my throat and I couldn’t breathe; it was probably from me thinking of asking the question. I sat lifelessly in the what ever it was spewing up who knows what into a rag that was tightly placed over my mouth.

“That thing would be not only the most poisonous snakes known to man and creature, but it is the only one in existence. If you speak inappropriately I will tell it to strangle you to death and leave you hear to die. Of course, it will become part of you after you pass out without your precious air.” The person snapped their fingers and the rag was gone from my mouth, along with the sickening smoke. I found myself gasping for air and hacking up my lungs as if I had just been under water for an eternity then dropped off in a sand pit.

I gasped for breath but found myself, through staggering breaths, asking what was in the cinder fog and what it did.

My senses were clear now and I could think almost clearly again… almost. There was still enough smoke left that my thoughts were still more than a little disoriented. Not to mention that I couldn’t see the persons face at all. They were staring at me, that much I was certain. But, there eyes weren’t on me… they were trained on something else… then a cold shiver ran down my spine.

A musical laugh rang out echoing off the walls and slamming into me with such force I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. That’s when I realized the person that had captured me, tied me up and almost killed me was a woman… a woman!

Instantly the cinder fog started to creep closer to me and stick to my face, I started to choke again on nothing it would seem like.

“Now that you can talk and think to an extent don’t get a big head thinking that you run the place. If I wanted to I could cut your life short like a string of thread and scissors.” I gulped down part of my fear and let the rest swirl in my stomach. I wanted to scream.

That when I realized the tickling sensation that was surrounding my neck. I looked down and with utter surprise I saw a silver snake that was tangled around my shoulders, throat and entire body. There really was a snake! I hadn’t been strapped to a chair with chains; it had been a HUGE snake! I gasped in terror and shock and it was soon followed by the woman’s musical laugh.

The long distance thing.

So, there's this thing that comes with change. You kind of have to be the one to decide what's going to change when push comes to shove. Either, you change to fit the situation or you let the situation change you. But I'm not exactly sure how that's suppose to work.
I'm curious, because with everything comes a decision, what to eat in the morning for breakfast, whether you should eat... there's a lot. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, with time do you end up finding out if things are worth it?
You invest time, money, love, all that great jazz into one place and if things change and you have to decide to walk away for one reason or another, my question is what are you left with? Should you have stayed instead to be a better committed person? Circumstances, there are so many fricken circumstances. So, in the end? Should we just be the best person we can be? Yeah, we probably should. It the way of getting there that I'm curious. And what we should do right now. Frustration is annooooyyyyiiinnnngggggg. If I could punch a wall I think I might jump on that and raise it a head bashing into a break away window. Could be because I'm a girl and my hormones have a fricken mind of their own, but it could be change. It's working on me, I'm in God's fire and getting all those impurities melted away. So If you wait out the hard part does it eventually go away?

I. Don't. Know. I guess I'll see. Roll with the punches see the fights breakout and die out to nothing.

We'll see.

Instead of Video Games

I WAS going to write something about girls playing video games, I think it's necessary and an oh so very entertaining topic, but I feel like that can wait.
I dunno, it's late so that will probably add a level of incoherency to this whole post but I was wondering, if there is such a thing as fate?
I've never really had such an "aha" moment before when I knew something was meant to be, or that I was in the right place at the right time. But, I am going to be cheesy, corny, and every other food related pun you can think of and say that I think I might have met the right person. I'm not talking about that "Oh I found the person I'm going to marry and we're going to ride off into the sunset in our matching Lambo's racing to our  house on our private Island happily ever after.." Nice thought... but no.
I guess, I mean that person that in a tough situation I can talk to them and afterwards feel like some of the weights nailed to my shoulders have been ripped off. Maybe things got a new light shed on them, different from the dim night light I was letting grace it's elephant-in-the-room-like presence. But I know, that there is this peace that passes all understanding and it's REALLY hard to explain. I don't feel like I need to impress you, or that I have to constantly worry about what I should do I guess, I'm content just being me even if right now I'm exhausted out of my mind. I felt like I needed to write this.
Of course, I hope you know who you are, I'm not even sure if you know about this and if you really will ever read it especially since you're not really a fan... but hey, secret little nugget if you find it. I think that's one of the most incredible things to find when you don't expect it. Another of my favorite things to do is use the capital letters to spell out things that are really on my mind and heart, especially if the little message seems to have some kind of poetic message to it. Yup. It's not poetic, it's just me trying to fill in the gaps. Gosh, I must be really tired to divulge something like that. Sheesh.
So I guess what I'm trying to say, or what I've been thinking all day, is thanks. I've learned a lot about me about you, about life, and all great things that are deep and meaningful. This new little adventure that's taking place is definitely going to be interesting for both of us and I'm curious to see what happens with the both us. Whether it is the beginning of the end, or something else entirely... I still have that weird peace and I know that things will be okay. Just wanted to write a note about it.
For those of you that thought this was going to be about video games, stay tuned! Tomorrow, I'm ripping on all sorts of females-including myself- when it comes to playing games.

Little stars.

There are too many stars to count, an impossible task really. And yet... I find myself wanting to lay out underneath their dotted, splotchy blanket of light just to imagine of the day that they were brought to a definite sum. I'm sure that I'll never be the one to do that, but it doesn't hurt to dream, imagine, be so idealist that realism isn't an option really.
Ugh.
So here's that moment, where I'm spreading out my blanket on the damp, grassy hillside. I'll slide comfortably on to my back and let my eyes wander up to the top of the world. From there, I could lay there forever or I might change my position depending on how antsy I get, heck, I might even roll up the blanket just to throw it in the back of my trunk and forget about it indefinitely as I drive away to some place else. New.
It really makes me wonder, with all the people that walk into our life, that we give that little bit of real estate in our hearts, what happens when they leave? Is the property still under their name and if it is what happens if they decide to come back? Life never stops, so does that mean we should put footholds into these places so that we can always go back to them, or are we suppose to grow and pray that things grow together instead of fall apart.... I'm not sure.
At this time, it's like the world is at my fingertips. In one years time I will be enrolled in some college with people I don't know, hoping that with the people I do we won't grow apart. I don't think it's wrong to be scared about that, I think it's pretty normal.
Really... all we ever have is the handful of stars that we counted, on that night that we decided to sit on the hill and just do it.
We'll always hold on to them.
Like little memories that we keep in a secret treasure chest where time can't intrude and everything is safe from a fine layer of dust that wishes to take away the intensity.
They will always burn bright, brighter than our favorite memories of our due course of life.
I believe, that there is memories, there are experiences, and all the other words that could be used to explain times in our life that we remember. But, in the end,I think the brightest moments that define us and our decisions on who we became resemble stars. On the nights that they happened we would look up to the sky thinking, "I can't believe this is happening to us."
All we have is a handful of stars and feet that always move forward. So lets pray that we meet again.https://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=YeaVfVhq1AE&feature=endscreen